Galaxy in Reverse.

In your eyes, I saw the mirror to a million galaxies.
My breath was stuck somewhere between my lungs and mouth as I watched the world encompass you.
Oh, how I’d love to live inside your head and see the stars twinkle in their brilliant array.
Only you have the touch to turn my skin to gold.
I want it all.
I want to get stuck inside your mouth and whisper all the words you say aloud.
Catch me, quick, as I fall back to the reality of knowing I can’t have you... now or ever.
It’s what my head knows vs. what my heart has always wanted.
You’re just looking especially encapsulating, today.

Perhaps, with permission, I can steal another glance at your silhouette.
Cracked and broken, your sentences felt like my bones on a cold winter day.
I longed to borrow some of your strange essence - but it probably only feels right on you.
I would be no more than a cheap imitation, a stranger masquerading as a friend.
I know you can never be repeated, you’re the limited edition release.
What is there to wish for when you’re already the best?
I want the spark to heat me alive again.
Melt the ice from my eyelashes and wish for home.
I can give you anything...besides me, this, now and forever.
I can give you the universe...besides the sun, sky, clouds and stars.
You’ve always had those, they’re in your eyes shining back at me.

I think I’ll dream of you, instead.
And the way you made the inside of my head feel like rain.
You always say the right words when its just you and me.
Your voice sounds perfect muffled against the deep blue sky.
I swear I’m listening, but really I’m just letting the rhythm drown you out.
I’m looking for patterns to appear in your speech.
The words never mattered, all I ever wanted was the sound.
I catch you staring. 
The twinkling lights hide the smirk that can’t help but spill onto my lips.
If only you knew you were already perfection, you wouldn’t waste your time on childish daydreams with me.
Luckily you could never quite see yourself clearly at all and I’m left with the outline of a man who is actually my very own constellation.

Puppet eyes.

Th evil old Master sits, alone in the dark,
Crafting a small wooden form of a heart.
A creation he set just to the break down the world.
He was greedy and jealous and full of mistrust,
In his mouth you could see a smile made out of rust.
As he planned his moves out so carefully.
Fame and fortune made his vanity sing,
And I’m just the girl with a back full of string.
Though, I was never much more than an alibi.
A fist full of papers with scribbled down words,
I’ll decipher the code and look for a cure.
I’m crawling my way down from this dizzying shelf.
His laugh is a mock that stings at my ears,
Twisting and spinning, a clock full of gears.
Perhaps in another lifetime, it could have worked out?
He will not know, of my planned out escape,
And he will be left alone with his Fate.
When punishment comes to bang down the doors.
He’ll scream and he’ll cry, “I didn’t meant this!”
“My work is a progress, a hit or a miss!”
But Fate will stand calmly upon this sore sight.
Not a thing can be done,
I’m sorry, I’ve won.
Now all that remains are the scars of what was.
To all you smart fellows, let this be a lesson,
Of hate, passion, disaster and even of glutton,
Triumph will come, in spite of itself.
Now I call the shots, from a top a high seat,
And as for the Master, he cries as he bleeds,
As he laces the string through the holes in his spine.

IT'S ALWAYS YOU.

In a room, with a view, I'd do anything for you.
Beside the ocean, a sinking notion, that I'm so close to dead.
A twinge feels guilty, will you forgive me, if I whisper words into the wind?


I've caught up on all the news today but the headlines always make my stomach turn.
And the sedatives don't do anything to help.
Maybe sometime I will start to learn.
I've grown immune to your old tricks and all I can think about is up, up, up.
Your animated in the worst way possible.
But I can't ever board you up, or count you down or close you off.
One day, I'll realize this is all imaginable,
Only to me.


I'm falling apart, this time.
Keep the words singing inside my head.
I'm built like a record machine but excuse me if I'd rather be in bed.
Where daydreams sink a mile a minute.
Crawling up walls in a picturesque scene, but not the star in it.
You are always front row, center.
I think that I might like you better if you just admit and obstruct my view of the world.

When the stars start falling down,
I'll be there to drown your sorrows.
As you sit and watch the sun turn different colours.
You'll think of all the things you lost,
Memories now come with a surcharge cost,
And all my credit is maxed out.

We could be infinite, if everything else wasn't in the way.
We could be everything, if infinity would just come today.
I'll keep on humming your favourite tune,
Hoping you'll recognize the signs I'm giving.
About a girl, a boy and how the rest of the world just doesn't matter anymore.

Most Wanted.

It was Sunday, but only in my head.
I hate the way I’m addicted to you.
Wide awake in a world full of sleeping dreamers.
It gives me the chance to crystalize regrets.
And, I know this hasn’t ever been perfect,
But the slurred words and careful speech just promise me
That in the end, is it worth it?
When the world is spinning, I’ll be winning hearts all over the city.
The lights make me dizzy but I’d fight the crowd forever to find you.
Make it up to me in the darkness,
We’ll calm the sea, hands clasped together in the black.
I want you to take me back to the shining moments when we first fell in love,
But I’m giving up on the idea of perfection.
I’ll never get there, I don’t even want it.
I just need you to help me take on the world.
It’s us vs. them in the this scene of the show,
When it’s all over, you’ll say you know the girl with the ship-wrecked smile.
Questions need answers if you overthink everything.
This time, it all makes sense in this place.
The pictures on the wall taunt and smirk.
Line the hall with your handprints so I know you’ve been.
It’s all over, I’m just getting older,
And headaches have started to feel permanent.
I’m etching your name into my skin.
It’s burns and earns my place in your dreams.
It’s not the world without me beside you
It’s not the end of the world, but what can I do?

500 days.

All the time we could have spent, we lost in all on diamond days.
Listless, restless, all in the pursuit of happiness.
Nothing made sense because it didn't have too then.
It was just the summer breeze between you and me.
We sat and stared and wished and dreamed of better times to come and go.
For a shake-up.
For anything in this sleeper town to mean something.
We understood we were infinite, at least together.
Separately, I sometimes wonder if I could exist without you.
Talking was not necessity...it was enough to see your eyes wander to the cloud covered sky and the sun burn away at your gaze.
The best memories I'll ever have are blurry but won't ever fade completely. Much like the freckles lacing the bridge of your nose in the sunshine.
I always loved them and how they seemed to dance across your skin...but only until the leaves changed because then you did too.
Maybe now we aren't the same but I will always have you in the serenity of a summer's day.

YOU/ME/THIS/NOW.

Sleeping pills and heavy eyes vs. hearts.
Can we just restart?
Take the hits over and over.
I want you to surround me, or drown me, whichever is easier on the internal organs.
I'm waking up to the sounds of settling.

Oh, glory.

If I wake in the morning, I only need two more miracles to be a saint. Everything I promised everyone I'd be, well, I just ain't. Lately it seems like, everybody's sick, everybody's dumb. Built myself a wall of unhappy hearts. Only my heart knows my head is lying, lying...

Inside wilderness.

i’m beginning to note that the weather is all around us. you came and went, just like it. i thought you were more than fleeting but you’ve proved me wrong so many times i’m just unsure of everything.
your memory lingers here ; you don’t. i’ve given up on trying to change you. you’re unpredictable. when all i want is sun rays, i've got snowflakes in my eyelashes.

maybe this means more to me than it does to you. maybe i'd kill just to see your smile light up a room one last time. i kept every single memory tucked under my bed in case you want to come home. i'll be here if/when you do. i'll be here forever.

i went all the way to the river last night. i sang to the stars and realized we're all sitting under the same big sky. i want to be infinite, i want to be memorable. i want to be where ever you take me. i want to be your everything.

so i'm taking some chances, laying it all out on the line. i will spill my guts...i'm speaking figuratively of course ; no secrets. i can't keep living with my tongue tucked under my teeth. i've got nothing left except you, me, the world and tomorrow. all i've got are this blisters where my heart should be.

you won't say much because you never do. i will flush pale red and stutter over words practiced for hours before. it'd save me a lot of time if you'd just kiss me once, hard and passionately. wishful thinking, huh? perfect.i guess my delusions on love left me broken up inside again.

shards of glass, empty bottles, tainted liver. you're destructive. you're devastating.
i think i can fix you, reality tells me i never could. quite clearly, i never had you. i can barely see you for looking.

so, maybe instead, i'll just stay here. alone in the big wide world. spilling my lifestory for no one but the stars. lay back in the grass and let the wind take me home again. except i can hear you in my ears instead of the breeze.

the rain has started. light drops, just enough to perk annoyance. i think back. i think of you. and yes, i think i was exactly right for once, this time. baby, you ain't nothing but my weather(vane).

You're the only thing(s) I care about.

Chapter Two.

I haven't been the same since then, I suppose.

It's been years, days, minutes since I left there. My head swirled, my body lost feeling and colours blurred into black and white.
But it had to be done.
So I left you alone, crying out, on the front stoop.
Yelling both obscenities and regrets.
I decided to stop hearing and soon the words filling my ears just became a ringing sound. Like I'd been standing to close to the loud speaker.
I suppose I had been.

I was almost beginning to forget the sound of your voice...

Then I saw you there.
In the airport terminal.
Sitting calmly on the blue suede seat, one leg swung lazily over the other.
You were smiling ; I was not.
You were carrying that wooden trunk I'd bought you.
I wanted to do something, run, cry, scream.
My head had other ideas. I found my feet moving toward you. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was stupid but it was like I couldn't control my movements anymore.

Just as I was formulating what to say to you, I saw her. It was somewhere between, "Hi, how have you been?" and "I love you, can we try again?"
My hands were shaking, a tell-tale sign. Your brown eyes could turn me into someone else entirely.
I liked that feeling.
She was stunning. She was blonde. She was everything I was not.
She was holding your hand and gently resting her head on your shoulder.
How had I not seen her before?
My brain must have edited her out in my desperation of only you.

I turned on my heels and ran.
Tears streaming down my face, my spine felt like it was ablaze.
Stunned people whizzed past me in a blur as I urged my legs to just. keep. moving.
I had survived this long without you...
I could pretend like you had never existed.

It was never that easy.
I had spent the greater part of one thousand and ninety five days thinking everything about you. Your eyes, your hair, your smile...your laugh.
Give me one reason, I thought, Give me one reason to turn back around and I will. Chase me down, grab my arms and kiss me like I'd never left.
We could have everything.
We could be everything.

My trysts had never meant anything. Sure, there had been other men. Some tall, some dark, all handsome.
They were always charming, always willing to pay for dinner.
But they were never, ever you.
They never caused my insides to twist into knots upon their arrival.
That's why it always had to end.
That's why I'd always end up alone on summer nights, staring at the ceiling and wishing I could feel your body heat beside me.

Before I knew it, I'd stopped running. Anxious and struggling to breathe normally, one hand placed on the cool concrete wall for balance.
I was barely aware of the luggage still in my hand.
Roughly a dozen sets of eyes on me. Wondering. Whispering. All curious about the seemingly insane young woman who had just ran crying through a busy terminal.
"I'm FINE!"
I wasn't really, I was choking on the air, but I needed the staring to stop.
It worked. Every eye turned away in shame...and truth be told, I couldn't have cared less.

I didn't think you had seen me, a relief. I would go home and reschedule my flight, that was all.
As long as you, and her, remained blissfully unaware everything would be okay again.
Standing up made me dizzy.
I had to go.
It felt like this time, three years ago, all over again.

"Did you see that?"
"Yeah, what's wrong with her?"
"I don't know...what a fucking freak"
"Man, she looks upset...I hope she's okay"

That was comforting, thank you faceless stranger.
But I'll be tuning out of your lovely running commentary on me now. Oh, and tell your friend karma is a bitch.

"I want to say something to her.."
"Are you joking, she looks unstable."
"No, she doesn't. She looks sad and...sorta alone"
"If the eyeliner running down her face doesn't scream psychotic to you, we've got some talking to do"
"Fuck you, you ruin everything"
"Lucy?"

Oh. Wait. I wasn't supposed to be listening to this.
Did they just say my name?
I could have sworn I'd heard it...
No, that's not right.
Maybe I am kind of psychotic...

"Lucy, is that you? Are you okay?"

I look up, surprised.
Your brown eyes are just as beautiful as ever, staring down at me with concern.
I knew I shouldn't have sat down.
Oh and you've brought whats-her-face along, her face etched with care for this seemingly unstable stranger.
She smiles, in a way that screams with comfort.
I feel the anger rising in my throat, burning my insides on the way up.

Well...Fuck.