Words.

Words are the core of my being. They're in my blood. They pulsate in my head, dancing around, only cooperating when full sentences have been mapped and set. Without words, I would have absolutely nothing. Yet until a few days ago I never really knew the power they actually had.

It all came down to a video. People I used to call friends manipulating words. Using some of the most disgusting language to call me names, criticize my beliefs and cut-up my very character as a human being. Posted on a networking site where it was clearly visible to me. Posted with no regard to how it may make the person being demoralized feel.

I have taken their abuse before. I know I am "used to it" by now and this is what upsets me most. I should not take their actions so easily but I feel trapped in a corner : not liking confrontation has it's problems.

I know these people should have no effect on my life. I know their words, actions and thoughts about me shouldn't matter. I know, in the grand scheme of things, their karma will come for them. As long as I am a happy, true, honest, friendly, kind person, mine will come too...but in a positive way.
But this just isn't an option anymore. For them to have nothing better to do than sit around and say hurtful things about me just shows what kind of people they really are. But it still hurts.
I would never even think these things about any of them yet I know they have said and done much worse than just this.

I do not know how to handle myself anymore. It feels like all the people I once respected, cared about and even loved have turned against me because of certain things I believe/do. If they knew me at all, it would be obvious I do not hold anything against anyone for choosing their own paths. But because I do not conform to many of the "normal" things people my age do, others think I have a superiority complex. I do not.

In no way do I think I am better than anyone else because of my choices. They are simply that : my own. And I realize they are not for everyone. Yet here I am : with almost none of the same friends I had in high school. The people I swore I be friends with forever. Seems like forever actually has an end. An end that is painful and clearly bitter.

I feel like I am a good person. I feel like I try to take others into consideration. I feel like I bend over backwards to make my friends happy. But my "friends" don't see/notice/care. I am tired of feeling bad about doing nothing wrong.

Therefore, I have decided some things.
- I will continue to try and make people happy. It's what I love to do. I honestly feel like there is nothing better than doing things for others. But if they do not appreciate it or treat me badly afterward I am NOT going to blame myself.
- I will work more on doing things that make ME happy. While I know this isn't always easy, I need to give to myself sometimes too.
- I will not retaliate. I will keep my head held high and let the universe give people what they deserve. I will act like a lady.
- I will not change my mind to conform to anyone's idea of what I should be. I going to be me, whether you agree with my decisions or not.
- I will laugh more.
- I will appreciate my true friends. I am always thankful for them but I will SHOW them more often.
- I will just be myself. My dorky, quirky, loving, excitable self. My whole self. At all times, in all circumstances.

I am sorry you felt the need to hurt me. I am sorry you felt like vocalizing then publishing it for the world to see. I am sorry you care so much. This is the last time I will ever care about you.