here we go, here we go, here we go again.

prelude : i literally just wrote my last entry and twenty seconds late found my fingers working their keyboard tap dance again. why is my head spinning so damn fast?

i am terrified of growing up.
not simply just afraid.
oh no,
it is so, so much worse than that.
i am literally dreading every second of time and what it's bringing with the turning of the clocks.

seriously?
doesn't everyone wish they were me, right now?
eighteen, bright-eyes and ready for everything?
yeah, that's what i thought.
i'm living but i haven't completely lived yet.
and i like it just this way.
"it's the best time of your life"
yeah.
i realize that.
you're only making it worse, you know.

it's not like i can do anything though,
which is perhaps the worst part of it all.
i could handle boogie men and all that jazz -
one swift look under the bedframe and my fears evaporated.
no so with this stupid new fear i've developed.
time ticks on.
no one, especially me, will change that.
so how do you accept that in which you cannot change?

i guess that's what i am trying to figure out right now.
i already feel like my youth is slowly dying.
i have responsibilities now. i don't want them, but there here.
i have a future to think about it (why do they call it the future, when you have to decide it n-o-w?)
i have a whole list of things i need to do in a very short time span : next month, next year, five years from now...twenty.
when i was seventeen, this "life" thing seemed a whole lot simpler, easier.
it was all about doing anything you want, limitless possibilities.
one year later and i feel like it's the end of the world.

and maybe it is.
maybe my personal world as i know it, is ending.
not completely.
just...this stage.

and all i know is...i'm fucking terrified.