Oh, and...

Feeling this lonely isn't particularly helpful either.

This is the saddest I have been in a long while.
I know I have some amazing friends and I am thankful for them every single day, but...

I don't know that any of them could talk about this stuff with me.

So I write.
I write to mask the pain.
I write so that, when I wake up tomorrow, my friends will see me as my usual cheerful, vibrant self.
I write because, well, what else is there?

It shouldn't get me like this.
I am going to sleep to dream of a better tomorrow.
One which I know will be reality when my eyes open and the sunshine comes streaming in.

NEW WAVE.

1:52 am.
Awake for class in 4 hours.
(That is, if I ever fall asleep)


So in this miserable space of dark night and slow moving time, what else is there to do besides think?
I have been tossing and turning, thinking about why I am the way I am.
Especially how it upsets and offends me if other people don't express gratitude. It could be the smallest thing, like offering someone else a drink. If the words "Please" and "Thank-you" aren't expressed, I get hurt.
It's completely stupid but my dad raised me be polite, no matter what the situation. If other people don't return this kindness to me, I get frustrated.

Now, I know that it doesn't necessarily mean they aren't appreciative of whatever I can give them. I know with most of my friends that isn't the case at all, they just find that sort of personal exchange awkward and unnecessary for small things.

However, more than anything, being kind/respectful/caring/compassionate/genuine are the things I value more than anything else in a person. If you cannot treat me/everyone else with a little bit of each of these things, I simply cannot, in turn, appreciate anything you say or do as a person.

At the same time, I've realized I've been plagued by a lot of negative thoughts lately, for this and many other reasons. I've decided that this just isn't any way to live and negative energy hurts no one but myself. That is why I am awake at 2:01 am, vowing to change. Vowing to let the positive reinforce everything I do.

This "aha" moment came when I remembered some particularly hurtful comments, made by a young woman towards me two years ago. I did not know her when she decided to say extremely mean things about me while I was performing in front of an audience. When this got back to me (by way of a caring friend who wanted to defend me) I was angry. Hurt. Confused. I had gotten through almost my entire high school career without any bad-blood. I relied on being perky, cheerful and sweet. It had worked. This time, for whatever reason, it didn't (I later found out that this girl has a reputation for being mean and cruel to everyone). I wanted revenge. It didn't happen. I moved on. The feelings of contempt and anger eventually subsided and I forgot all about that young woman who actually really hurt me.

Until tonight. By accident I came to find out that she had gotten something I had wanted forever. This angry, hurtful, mean and inappropriate young woman met three of the people I have been trying to see for weeks. And you know what? All those old feelings came flooding back but this time jealousy was mixed right in there too. How could someone so downright mean be awarded the advantages while genuinely nice people had to sit back and watch their dreams come true for someone else?

Now I know I do not know her personally. I never will. Perhaps she has had a lot of disadvantages in her life that cause her to lead such a sour existence. However, to me, that does not condone being rude/cruel/hurtful to anyone at any time. She effectively ruined one of the biggest days of my life. Whatever the reasoning behind it was, I will never forget her or that day and it will always be in a negative manner.

I cannot control her actions. I cannot take them back either. However, I can handle myself and what I choose to think/do/say.
That is why I am going to try and eliminate negative thoughts. I will remain classy and affectionate. I always try to act in the most respectable manner, but my thoughts can sometimes get vicious. That is going to stop. I will no longer be envious of others but work that much harder to succeed at my own goals. I will no longer grow angry if someone hurts me with a personal attack (easier said that done, but I am going to try) but rather keep my head up and move forward.

I know it won't be easy at first but I know this will be the beginning of a complete lifestyle change.
Here is to being the best me I can be.
Here is to the universe working itself out.
Here is to remembering what I have instead of what I don't.
HERE IS TO THE POSITIVE IN MY LIFE.

Thank you, young woman, for awakening a part of me I think I may have lost.
Thank you for showing me exactly what I want to be.

Home is where the (broken) heart is.

Missing home and the world I know.
On the path ahead, lies vindication.
This seems strange and I'm out of place.
Watch my eyes as I fall from grace.
You're just like preacher in the pulpit.
Singing out hymns from broken teeth.
Let's be honest.
I'm terrified of the words you speak.
I'm just hanging on for some salvation.
Only you can save me from myself.
If it was easy, you'd call me out.
Yet this is a game I came to play.
And I'll forge ahead despite the doubt.
That lingers in my heart and head.
That beats my fingers against my bed.
In my sleep and in my dreams.
Your face is the one I see.
So perhaps I'll stay a little while.
A calming notion in your cracking smile.

Z.

I've got nothing.

...Except malice on my tongue.

The code.

Your morals have become you.
Washed up, face up, in a street corner parking lot.
Heaven sent on being spent.
All afternoon, or much too soon?

You come and go.
Just a faded city girl with jaded thoughts of yesterday.
And all I'll do is smile and say,
I'm sorry but that will never be me.

You think I'm so much better?
I'm actually so much worse.
For living in this head with buzzing thoughts,
And empty beds in every house I go to.

It sickens me to sleep these dreams,
Of placidity, too calm to speak.
Enjoy the time, of a simple life,
A style you could never understand.

You question why I'm always quiet.
Perhaps you just aren't listening.
Or maybe my thoughts get in the way.
While you're up all night, I'm up all day.

So don't think I'm a moral compass,
Casting judgments down like the hands of time.
I only speak these words for me.
Your life is yours and mine is mine.
Now, can I spin you a different line?

Chapter Three.

And, so it began all over again.
That familiar feeling of my heart beating wildly in my throat, as beads of sweat slip down into my hairline.
When you said my name, like no time had passed between us, everything reverted back to the beginning.
The same shaky feeling worked it's way into my limbs and stayed there.
I should have known, one simple smile and my mind is an empty space where a functioning brain once was.
I should never have agreed to this...

But here we are, dining in a quiet restaurant off Fourth street. You aren't saying much, I'm saying nothing at all. I note the number of words you say in each sentence.
One. Five. Three. Three.
Zero. Zero. Zero. Zero.
But you don't need to say anything, either. The lines around your mouth are working in a way that tells me exactly how you feel.
You've missed me, you think about me everyday, you need me.
Oh, what wishful thinking...

"So...how have you been? You look, great, really. What a coincidence, huh?"
I fight the urge to laugh. I look great, with makeup streaks still running rampant down my face? With my hair in knots, sticking with sweat and tears to my skin? My heart beating so hard I'm sure he can hear it?
"Thank you. You too"
It's all I can manage. It's all I can do, at this point, to not get up and run again.
That was never the case, I will never be too far from you.
You smile.
You love just watching me squirm under your gaze.
You always liked making me sweat...

"Luce", you say, calling me by the nickname I only let you call me. I always thought "Luce" sounded so childlike and dismissive. Coming from your lips, the word practically shimmers in the air between us. I miss you.


"Luce...Wow, I can't believe I'm saying this..."
Your eyes are sparkling. My mind is wandering. Oh and my lungs are practically on fire. I like this feeling.
"I'm sorry but...you just look so sad today at the airport. I know what you're were thinking and, no, it is never going to happen."

Blank. Shock. Stutter. Blink. Heart. Mouth. Words?
This cannot be real.
You knew me well once, but that was a long time ago.
You don't know that I would give up everything I've ever owned or loved to be with you again.
You can't understand what it's like to think, breathe, dream about a person every day of your fucking life and not have them with you.
You don't, you can't, you never will.
This is about me.
This is about me without you.
Bring me back.

"I get that you're still in love with me. But I am in a good place right now. Ashley, she's just perfect for me now...I'm sorry, but I've moved on and I can't go back to that place with you, now or ever."
Ashley. Perfect. Moved on. Still in love.
Is it possible that a sentence can transform into knives and pierce into me repeatedly? Each syllable feels like that'll be the final rip in my heart.

You stand. I blink.
You place your hand on mine. I want to draw away but can't swallow or think or breathe or move.
You smile, no words this time. You've done enough damage with those in just four short sentences.
Blink blink blink.
I think that's all that's left in me now.

And, as I watch you walking away from me, the curves in your back just as I will always remember them in my memories, I realize that I have hit the bottom. I am the bottom. I am a shadow of myself.

And, this is it.
You will never ever cross my mind again.
Not now, not ever.

This is what I call a take over.

Galaxy in Reverse.

In your eyes, I saw the mirror to a million galaxies.
My breath was stuck somewhere between my lungs and mouth as I watched the world encompass you.
Oh, how I’d love to live inside your head and see the stars twinkle in their brilliant array.
Only you have the touch to turn my skin to gold.
I want it all.
I want to get stuck inside your mouth and whisper all the words you say aloud.
Catch me, quick, as I fall back to the reality of knowing I can’t have you... now or ever.
It’s what my head knows vs. what my heart has always wanted.
You’re just looking especially encapsulating, today.

Perhaps, with permission, I can steal another glance at your silhouette.
Cracked and broken, your sentences felt like my bones on a cold winter day.
I longed to borrow some of your strange essence - but it probably only feels right on you.
I would be no more than a cheap imitation, a stranger masquerading as a friend.
I know you can never be repeated, you’re the limited edition release.
What is there to wish for when you’re already the best?
I want the spark to heat me alive again.
Melt the ice from my eyelashes and wish for home.
I can give you anything...besides me, this, now and forever.
I can give you the universe...besides the sun, sky, clouds and stars.
You’ve always had those, they’re in your eyes shining back at me.

I think I’ll dream of you, instead.
And the way you made the inside of my head feel like rain.
You always say the right words when its just you and me.
Your voice sounds perfect muffled against the deep blue sky.
I swear I’m listening, but really I’m just letting the rhythm drown you out.
I’m looking for patterns to appear in your speech.
The words never mattered, all I ever wanted was the sound.
I catch you staring. 
The twinkling lights hide the smirk that can’t help but spill onto my lips.
If only you knew you were already perfection, you wouldn’t waste your time on childish daydreams with me.
Luckily you could never quite see yourself clearly at all and I’m left with the outline of a man who is actually my very own constellation.